When Sex Is a Weapon: How Narcissists Use Intimacy to Manipulate You
Jul 15, 2025
If the sex was incredible—but the relationship nearly destroyed you—you’re not alone.
You’re also not crazy.
Maybe you’ve asked yourself:
Why did it feel so good if it was so toxic?
Why am I still craving that connection?
Will I ever feel that intensity again?
This post will help you understand what was really happening behind the scenes of that intoxicating connection—and why the sex wasn’t love. It was manipulation.
Let’s walk through it together.
It Started With a Feast
“He shows up with a full spread of everything you love—baked goods, appetizers, the works. And it’s for you. Just you.”
When a narcissist wants to hook you, sex becomes part of the seduction strategy.
They study you. Mirror your fantasies. Serve up the most connected, passionate, mind-blowing intimacy you’ve ever had.
And you think: This is it. I’ve found my soulmate.
“You feel cared for, special, worthy… like no one’s ever seen you like this before.”
That’s not by accident. It’s calculated.
Then… the Meals Get Simpler
At first, he shows up with five-course feasts.
Then, it’s chicken and rice.
Then, takeout you didn’t even like.
And eventually—he doesn’t show up at all.
“You end up waiting so long for him that you skip the meal entirely. And you’re left in bed, hungry, frustrated, and confused.”
That’s when the spiral starts.
You wonder what you did wrong.
You overanalyze your words, your tone, your attachment style.
You try harder. Bend more. Wait longer.
And just when you’re starving?
“He shows up with the feast again. The one you love. The one that made you feel alive.”
Your nervous system explodes with relief. With hope. With love.
Except it’s not love.
It’s reinforcement.
It’s conditioning.
This Is the Manipulation
“This is how we get hooked. The feast is the sex.”
It’s not about how good it felt. It’s about how rare it became.
He gave you a taste of what you craved… and then withheld it.
Until you became desperate for the next hit.
Until his return felt like rescue.
The sex becomes a drug. The intimacy becomes proof: I’m good enough again. I’m worthy again. I matter again.
And that’s the power play.
Because now? He’s not just giving you pleasure.
He’s controlling your sense of self.
But What If I Never Feel That Way Again?
One of the biggest fears I hear from clients is, ‘What if I never have sex like that again?’
Let’s normalize this fear.
It makes perfect sense that you’d cling to the one thing that did feel good.
Even if the rest of the relationship was hell.
But here’s the truth:
That intensity? That firework-level explosion of sex?
It wasn’t sustainable. It wasn’t safe. And it wasn’t real connection.
“You don’t have to choose between passion and peace.”
Healthy sex—deep, grounded, body-safe intimacy—can be mind-blowing in ways chaos never could be.
Because it’s not built on highs and lows.
It’s built on love, presence, and being fully met.
You don’t have to settle for vanilla.
You get to experience intimacy that doesn’t leave you second-guessing yourself.
“Real love doesn’t leave your self-worth on the table for someone else to pick up or put down.”
So Why Does It Hurt So Much to Let Go?
Because he made you feel like sex = love.
Desire = worth.
Attention = identity.
“When your sense of self lives in someone else’s hands, you’ll always feel frazzled and out of control.”
This is why it feels so hard to walk away.
Even if you know it’s toxic.
Even if you’ve left before.
Because your nervous system got wired to associate love with intensity—and silence with punishment.
What Needs to Heal First
To break this cycle, you need two things working in tandem:
-
Nervous system regulation
You need to know what calm feels like in your body again.
You can’t spot healthy love if your system only recognizes chaos. -
A solid sense of self
Not the self who’s waiting for a feast.
The self who feeds herself.
"You deserve connection that doesn't require you to starve first."
Ready to Reclaim Yourself?
If you’re reading this with a deep pit in your stomach thinking, This is me,—I want you to know:
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You didn’t fall for him because you’re naive.
You fell for a strategy.
And now, you get to write a new story.
“You get to experience healthy love. The kind that doesn’t require sacrifice to feel seen.”
If you're ready to find clarity, rebuild your identity, and heal from the inside out—I'm here.
Let’s talk about what healing could look like for you.
Fill out the interest form here and we’ll hop on a free call to explore what’s possible.
Because you're not broken.
You’re just ready for something real.
Join my email list... (don't worry, this is spam-free)
Get educational and inspirational content, free offers, and so much more goodness sent directly to your inbox!
Be sure to add [email protected] to your contacts so all the goodness doesn't take a hard left into lost-email-land.
