Did He Ever Love Me? The #1 Question We Ask After A Narcissistic Relationship Ends

“You’re not crazy. You’re human. And humans are meaning-making machines.”

It’s 2 AM. You’re lying awake, staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of it all.

The love.

The lies.

The whiplash.

And the one question that keeps you stuck on a loop:

Did he ever love me?

If you’ve been discarded, devalued, or deceived in a narcissistic relationship, this question doesn’t just haunt you—it hijacks your healing. Today, I want to help you answer it with honesty, clarity, and deep compassion for the version of you who loved with everything she had.

Listen to the full episode "Did He Ever Love Me? The #1 Question We Ask After a Narcissistic Relationship Ends" here!

Why You’re Stuck Asking This Question

Because something doesn’t add up.

The beginning of the relationship was magic. There were long gazes, promises whispered in your ear, shared dreams, and what felt like deep emotional connection.

The end? It was cold. Abrupt. Cruel, even.

That gap—between what it was and how it ended—is where the question lives.

“When there is incongruence in how the relationship ended versus how it started, of course we’re gonna have questions.”

You're trying to reconcile how someone could claim to love you… and then hurt you so deeply. And the truth is, the more empathic and open-hearted you are, the harder this dissonance hits.

Here’s the Hard Truth: He Didn’t Love You—Not in the Way You Meant

Let’s be real about what love means to you.

Love to you likely means partnership. Depth. Safety. Emotional presence. The ability to show up in all your messy humanness and be met with empathy and respect.

But to someone on the narcissistic spectrum?

Love is not about connection—it’s about control.

“A narcissist is not capable of love in the same way that you are capable of love.”

Their motive for a relationship isn’t intimacy. It’s survival. They need admiration, validation, and power the way the rest of us need air. You were not seen as a partner—they saw you as a source.

Like a leech needs a host, a narcissist needs someone to siphon energy, attention, and approval from. And yes, that’s horrifying. But it also explains everything.

So Why Did It Feel So Real?

Because it was—for you.

You weren’t faking anything. You were all in. Heart open, sneakers laced, stretched and ready to run the relationship marathon.

They, on the other hand, told you they could run… while never intending to take a single real step.

“They promised you they would run with you into the sunset. And you believed them. Of course you did.”

That’s not foolishness. That’s human hope. That’s a loving heart believing the story it was told.

And while the manipulation was real… so was your love.

When We Don’t Have an Answer, We Make One Up

Without clarity, our brain fills in the blanks—and usually not in our favor.

You start thinking:

• “If I were more lovable, maybe he could’ve loved me.”

• “If I’d done better, maybe he would’ve stayed.”

• “Maybe the new woman will change him…”

No. She won’t. Because he can’t love her either.

“It’s like expecting someone who's never learned to swim to dive into the deep end and win a race.”

That level of emotional depth simply isn’t available to someone who lacks empathy. And if he painted you a beautiful portrait of love, only to tear it to shreds later—that says everything about his capacity, not your worth.

What You’re Really Asking

For many women, “Did he ever love me?” is actually a stand-in for a deeper fear:

Was it real? Was I stupid for believing it was?

You want confirmation that you weren’t delusional. That the connection mattered. That you mattered.

But here’s the thing—any answer from him won’t give you closure. Not really.

Because someone who lied to you won’t be the one to tell you the truth.

So you give yourself the truth instead:

Your love was real. Your intentions were pure. You showed up fully. That’s what matters.

Finding Compassion for the You That Didn’t Know Yet

“I didn’t know what I didn’t know.”

You were learning the rules of the game while they were playing chess blindfolded. With decades of practice.

It’s okay to grieve the version of you that didn’t see it coming. That hoped it would work. That believed the best.

And it’s okay to feel proud of the you that is here now. Wiser. More self-protective. More anchored in what love really looks like.

Don’t Keep That Chapter Open

The longer you stay in the loop of wondering, the longer you stay energetically tied to someone who wasn’t capable of holding you the way you deserve.

It’s time to close the chapter.

But before you do—let yourself take what you need from the story. Learn. Integrate. Forgive yourself.

And then… walk forward with new clarity.

Want to Avoid Going Through This Again?

Download my free guide: 3 Ways to Recognize Love Bombing

Learn the red flags to look for before you fall for someone who only knows how to perform love, not practice it.

Curious about working with me?

Submit your interest here and let’s see if deeper support is the next best step: Fill out the interest form.

“You are not stupid. Even if you had the wool pulled over your eyes, that doesn’t make you stupid.”

You’re not broken. You’re becoming.

Keep going, beautiful. You’re getting clearer by the day.