Emotional Abuse Unmasked: 8 Subtle Signs You Might Be Missing

You don’t always know you’re being emotionally abused.
Especially when it comes cloaked in sarcasm, “concern,” or jokes that don’t feel funny.

Emotional abuse doesn’t leave visible scars, but it leaves marks.
On your self-worth.
Your nervous system.
Your ability to trust yourself.

If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling like maybe it really was your fault...
...this blog is for you.

Listen to the full episode #78: "Emotional Abuse Unmasked: Spotting the 8 Subtle Signs You May Have Missed" here!

Why Emotional Abuse Is So Hard to Name

Emotional abuse—unlike physical abuse—is often quiet, subtle, and invisible.
It slips under the radar because it's normalized in unhealthy relationships and minimized by our culture.

“These types of insults can be disguised as concern, as humor, as advice—even as love.”

If you grew up with poor relationship models, it’s easy to dismiss the red flags as “not a big deal.”

But emotional abuse is about control.
It’s designed to chip away at your confidence, erode your sense of self, and make you question your own reality.

And if you’ve ever second-guessed yourself into silence… you’re not imagining it. That’s the damage talking.

The 8 Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse

Here are 8 of the most common—but least recognized—signs of emotional abuse.

You might not have seen them for what they were at the time. That’s okay. Let’s shine a light on them now:

1. You’re the punchline, but it’s “just a joke.”

You're at a dinner party, and your partner says, “Wow, you actually did something right for once. Miracles do happen.”
Cue awkward laughter. Cue your stomach dropping.

Or: “Relax, it was just a joke. Why do you always take everything so seriously?”

If your boundaries are being violated under the guise of humor, it’s not funny. It’s abuse.

2. They mock your interests or hobbies.

You share something you’re excited about—and they say, “Aw, adorable. You’re really proud of that?”

Lifting you up should be the default. If they’re constantly cutting you down when you shine, that’s not love.

3. They act jealous or accuse you of cheating.

“You act single when you go out,” or “Am I not enough for you?”

This one stings the most when it goes against your values.
It’s not about concern. It’s about control.

4. They make decisions for you.

From what you wear to who you see, there’s constant commentary: “I mean, wear that if you want people to get the wrong idea…” or “Oh, you’re hanging out with her again? I didn’t think you liked that kind of drama.”

You should never feel guilty for what you wear, who you’re friends with, or how you spend your time.

It’s not direct control—but it’s manipulation masked as concern.

5. They question your memory or intelligence.

“We already talked about that—you said it was fine.”
“Are you sure you graduated college? If your memory’s that bad…”

This is gaslighting—designed to confuse and destabilize you so you stop challenging them.

6. They shut down your feelings.

“You’re being way too emotional.”
“Someone needs a nap.”
“Stop making problems out of everything.”

This reinforces the idea that women having emotions is a problem.
You start to believe the problem is you. (Spoiler alert: it’s not.)

You are allowed to have feelings. Every day of every month. Period.

7. They start fights in front of the kids.

Right before you leave for a haircut, they say, “Do you even think about anyone else in this house?”
Then turn to the kids: “See how she talks to me?”

If they push your buttons until you explode, then play the victim—this is abuse, not a communication breakdown.

8. They make it seem like they’re “just trying to help.”

“I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about you…”
Or: “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

They say they’re looking out for you. But it feels like you’re shrinking to survive.

It sounds caring, right? But it leaves you riddled with guilt and shame for being yourself.

When someone talks to you in a way where they always have to say, ‘I was just joking’ or ‘I was just trying to help,’ that’s not a real excuse. That’s manipulation.”

Why It’s So Confusing—And So Damaging

These subtle behaviors are covert for a reason: they’re meant to make you question yourself.
They plant seeds of doubt, guilt, and fear so you eventually stop resisting. You conform. You stay.

And the longer you’re in it, the harder it is to see clearly.

The impact?

• PTSD

• Anxiety

• Chronic pain

• Depression

• A loss of identity

• Even substance use to escape the pain

And here’s the part no one tells you:
The person doing this will often use “just joking” or “just trying to help” as an excuse.

That’s not an apology. That’s a red flag.

If you feel more alone in the relationship than you would as a single person, let that land.

What You Can Do: The Power of Boundaries

You can’t control their behavior. But you can control your response.

That’s where boundaries come in.

Let’s be clear:

• A request is: “Please stop saying that.”

• A boundary is: “If you keep saying that, I will leave the conversation.”

Requests depend on their behavior.
Boundaries depend on yours.

You don’t need them to change.
You need to decide what you’ll do if they don’t.

And every time you set a boundary, you learn more about who they really are.

Compassion ≠ Justification

Maybe he had a traumatic childhood.
Maybe he doesn’t know how to communicate.
Maybe he had a bad day.

But that doesn't give him permission to hurt you.

You can have compassion for someone’s past without justifying their behavior.
You deserve respect, emotional safety, and healthy love—no matter what someone else has been through.

The Overt Signs You Should Never Justify

While this post focused on covert abuse, here are a few blatant ones to never excuse:

• Threatening to hurt themselves if you leave

• Threatening to hurt you, your kids, or your pets

• Humiliating you in public

• Yelling or creating chaos in front of children

• Using fear to control your choices

These are not misunderstandings. They are manipulation tactics.
And you do not have to stay.

You're Not Broken. You're Waking Up.

If you saw yourself in any of this…
That doesn’t make you weak. That makes you aware.

You can’t heal what you’re still denying. And you are allowed to stop denying it now.

Take a breath.
Start small. Start now.
Re-listen. Take notes. Bookmark this. Let the clarity sink in. And if you want a guide as you sort through the noise, I’m here.

Click here to fill out this interest form to explore working together.

You deserve clarity, safety, and peace.

A Message for You: Balance in Motion

You’re not looking for perfection.
You’re practicing staying in motion—small shifts, one step at a time.
You don’t have to do it all. You just have to stay with yourself.
That’s where your healing lives.

You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to feel. You’re allowed to leave.
And you’re allowed to rebuild a life that feels like safety and truth.

You’ve got this. And I’ve got you.

Soul hugs,
Bre