“Am I the Narcissist?” Why Feeling Selfish Might Actually Be a Good Sign

You’ve spent so long caring for everyone else that the moment you start caring for yourself… you panic.

You wonder:
“Is this selfish?”
Or worse—“Am I the narcissist?”

If that question has ever crossed your mind, I want to offer a deep exhale and a truth bomb:

Choosing yourself does not make you selfish. And it definitely doesn’t make you a narcissist.

In this episode of Heartbreak to Wholeness, I sat down with Michelle Bishop, Master Life Coach and author of Choose You First, to untangle the difference between selfishness and narcissism—and why it’s essential to start meeting your own needs again (even if it feels foreign or uncomfortable at first).

In fact, choosing yourself might just be the most generous thing you can do for everyone in your life.

Listen to the full episode 82 "Am I The Narcissist? Why You're Feeling Selfish In Your Relationship" here!

The Real Problem: You’ve Been Taught That Self-Sacrifice = Love

When you’ve spent years in a narcissistic relationship or living from “good girl” conditioning, the wiring in your brain is often backwards.

Selflessness becomes a badge of honor.
Prioritizing others becomes a habit.

And anytime you deviate from that—even to do something as basic as going to the gym or asking for support—you’re flooded with guilt.

But here’s the truth:

Selfishness isn’t inherently bad.
Narcissism and self-prioritization are not the same thing.
You are allowed to have needs. Full stop.

Step 1: Understand the Difference Between Narcissism and Healthy Selfishness

Michelle shared a powerful reframe: selfishness isn’t about harming others—it’s about sustaining yourself.

There is nothing wrong with needing things. Wanting things. Caring for yourself.

When your “selfish” actions help you rest, heal, or recharge, that’s not a moral failure. That’s maintenance. It allows you to show up with more presence and peace for the people you love.

Think of it as equalizing the energetic scale—you give to yourself so you can give to others from overflow, not obligation.

Step 2: Reconnect with Your Needs (Especially If You’ve Forgotten Them)

Many women come out of toxic relationships not even knowing what they like anymore—let alone what they need.

Michelle and I both had to re-learn how to listen to ourselves again.

That’s why I created Find Yourself Again, a self-guided course to help you:

• Uncover your real needs and desires (not the ones people projected on you)

• Rebuild your identity after years of self-abandonment

• Start making decisions from alignment instead of guilt

*Use code PODCAST10 for 10% off → Find Yourself Again Course

This course is under $100 and is the exact roadmap I wish I had when I left my toxic relationship and didn’t know who I was anymore.

You’re not broken. You’re just rebuilding.
And there is a version of you on the other side who knows herself deeply—and feels safe putting herself first.

Step 3: Start Small (Yes, Even a Deep Breath Counts)

One of my favorite takeaways from this conversation with Michelle?

"You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. You just need one small act of self-devotion."

Healing doesn’t start with blowing up your life. It starts with a breath.

Literally.

Michelle shared how even just choosing to breathe deeply in a moment of chaos is a powerful act of self-commitment. It’s a signal to your nervous system that you’re safe. That you matter. That you’re allowed to come home to yourself.

So if you do nothing else today:
Close your eyes. Breathe in. Let it go.
And remind yourself: I don’t have to earn rest or peace. I’m allowed to feel good.

One More Thing: You’re Going to Grow, and That Might Trigger Others

You may lose some people on your healing journey. That’s okay.

Choosing yourself may ruffle feathers. That’s okay too.

Michelle reminded us that just like we outgrow our childhood best friends, we also outgrow dynamics, identities, and expectations that no longer serve us. That’s not selfish—it’s growth. And the people who are meant for you will meet you in that expanded version of yourself.

Oracle Message: Lay It Down 

At the end of the episode, we pulled an oracle card for anyone listening, and here’s what it said:

“You’ve been carrying your shit for too long. It’s time to lay it down.”

You don’t have to hold what’s not yours anymore.

You’re allowed to set it down.
You’re allowed to not be the one holding it all together.
You’re allowed to breathe.

You Are Not Selfish—You Are Remembering

This episode was a powerful reminder that putting yourself first is not only allowed—it’s necessary.

If you’re ready to stop second-guessing yourself and start reconnecting with your needs, identity, and confidence…

🎧 Listen to the full episode "Am I The Narcissist? Why You're Feeling Selfish In Your Relationship"
💻 Grab the Find Yourself Again course (use code PODCAST10 for 10% off)
❤️ Keep showing up for you—one breath at a time

This healing work is layered. Tender. Sometimes messy.

But every time you choose yourself, you’re rewriting the story.

You’re not becoming selfish. You’re becoming you.

And that is a gift to everyone in your life.

And I’m so proud of you.

Soul hugs,

Bre